She was a good listener when she wanted to be, and today was one of those days. Her Dad was banging on about his past as if it were yesterday, not realising he was talking about things that had happened 35 years ago. Or maybe he did know and that is why he wanted her to know. It was very important for him to pass on these memories.
“But why”?
She asked but then her mind wandered and she gazed at the colour of the sky outside the window.
He hadn’t been out for a few days,

"It was hard,” he told her as she unpacked some shopping.

“To get the legs going on these cold mornings and why would you bother it being so perishing cold”.

He used to live around here, she had seen his parents house once, quite regal looking. Well bigger than anything she had lived in. Her memories were mainly from a couple of photos he had kept, sent by his mum and dad. You could tell it was his mum and dad’s house because they were standing outside it. She knew that could of meant anything, but it was more the way they were standing. Arm in arm, she wearing what looked like a nitey but probably was not, he in daggy old long pants and an open neck shirt. They weren’t going far, you could see that. Just stepped out for a photo in front of their beloved house and garden.

So that was what she had seen as his old house and now she knew it, as bricks and mortar, she had never stayed there. She had stood, where the person who had taken the photo had stood and looked at the solid blue door with the large fish knocker. She looked and looked some more, until she thought some one would come out and ask her to move along. She had cried on that day and when she walked away she didn’t look back the sadness of it all overwhelmed her.

A cloud had hurried past the sun and left a shadow on the window as it passed. What was he saying now? His voice rose and dipped and his hands worked the air around him as he tried to explain why, "she wouldn’t understand this bit if she didn’t listen really well." She had missed something here and it may have been vital. Best form of defense is attack.
“So what you having for tea then?” she asked in an authoritative voice.
“Wait up" he replied. "You not going to get the gist of it if you don’t follow this bit now. I want you to be able to tell your idiot brothers what I’m telling you. O.K.?"
So the moment passed and he went on again telling her more of the same. Some trip in the out back of Australia.

She started to put the shopping on the bare wooden shelves and the sky retreated back outside and the light in the kitchen shone, like torch light in twilight, all dim and weak.
She liked this house it was so different from the houses back home. It reminded her of television plays made by the bbc period pieces set in Victorian England often dark and somber places. A watery light she hadn’t seen much of back home. It suited her skin she told her-self.
Her and her sister used to sit up close to the t.v. watching kids shows on the abc and hold hands when it got scary. And that is when it was like this sort of light. Now she loved it, all moody and sit at home and read sort of light.
“Oi Emily what are you doing in the cupboard? I’ve been trying to tell you about the ant hills we had to drive over. Did you get the bit about the rain and getting bogged in the middle of nowhere? Can you hear me in there? I know you can. What’s for tea by the way. Have we decided?”

“Fish?”

“Good I’ll grill them if you like you just sit tight." She said

He had no intention of getting up he had been getting up for people most of his life, now it was his turn to sit and talk. Always been good at talking not always making a lot of sense but heh that’s life. “Now where was I? Don’t forget to pass this on to your brothers.”

Oh what bliss it could be she thought if one day I can look out of this window and they would be walking up the path to the front door all chipper and happy just bouncing along. Why don’t they come. She had asked James enough times, always the same answer.

“I’m on my way. I’ll be there soon, before you can say Nullabor. So help me Emily, it’s hard to get away at the moment what with work and family and all.”
She never wanted to sound too needy. Things hadn’t gone too well for her and Dad lately, and she didn’t want James to think he was obliged to come and help her. God no, that would make her sound helpless and she had never been helpless. In need of a little help maybe.

It had taken a whole childhood just about, to learn to be good at being a sibling to her brothers and sister. Not that it had been too hard to fit in, But she hadn’t really felt she knew any of them really well except maybe Leila. Leila was a bit older than her and looked out for her. They had been very close before school. Waiting for Leila at the school gates watching for her eye, her look as she broke from the pack of running girls. When their eyes met she was filled with a happiness that topped her up. It wasn’t always reciprocated but she would still be happy to know that soon they would be out of school and on their way home running and playing together.

But now her thoughts were with James and Jack. But mainly James, she needed to think, on her own, away from his monologue. But first she had to feed him and make her excuses so she could go to her room or better still go out for a walk.
She busied herself with the fish and vegetables. He droned on happy to tell her his stories as she moved around the kitchen nodding and laughing at his jokes. He had so much to impart. He always had, but it was only after Mum died that he really opened up and they started to share each other’s lives again.

She left him to do the washing up, telling him she had a meeting to attend. He didn’t mind he rarely minded what she did. He just wanted her to be happy, she was sure of that the more she knew him the more she was confident of his love for her.

As the front door clicked shut behind her and she gasped in the cold air of early evening, she wondered that deep wonder that often finds things out from the soul. The sky was clearing and a few faint stars were pushing through the city skyline. As usual for this time of day she headed for the river which ran behind the rows of houses behind her house. The alleys that took you there were narrow and poorly lit, but that didn’t worrier her now. She knew the twists and turns, like friends. She enjoyed the shapes and colours of the bricks and stones the shadows that came and went from the street lights which stood high above her.

The river glistened with the lights from the barges laid up for the night on either bank. The roads on the other side shone down and reflected in the near still waters. But this river was rarely still. The tides washed the water along this part of the river lifting the levels up and down twice a day. Now the tide was up filling the banks to about three-quarters full. The barges groaned under the weight of their loads and the water pushed and pulled on their moorings.

Between the river and the houses is a towpath. It is broad and flat, well maintained and easy to walk on in the dark. Emily strode off in the direction of Mortlake Bridge.A dark heavy structure, a couple of miles away.

Once she had set the rhythm and found her stride she allowed her mind to find her brother again. He was there waiting for her. She smiled as he came alive.
What was he doing, she wondered. Away over there back in Aus. He lit a light in her he kept her warm, like the wind, that blew from the north in Melbourne. But he was worried too. Just like her he couldn’t let sleeping dogs lie, they both needed to know more than was being offered by friends and siblings.

Emily lifted her head and sucked in the cold night air, her mind alive, awake she could see clearly the question she was seeking the answer to. Things had gone missing from their histories their past was not clear or open. Dark pockets of dishonesty sat heavily on their memories and now was the time to try and find them out. Seek some answers while Dad were still alive. For too long it hadn’t mattered or so it seemed.